July 18th 2008....I just had to add this thanks to Mike.........
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have
traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise
abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?'
From an unknown aircraft
waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
O'Hare Approach Control to
a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three
miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the
little Fokker in sight.'
A student became lost
during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the
aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
A DC-10 had come in a
little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching
down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport.'
A Pan Am 727 flight,
waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
'Because you lost the bloody war!'
Tower: 'Eastern 702,
cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern.... we've already notified our caterers.'
One day the pilot of a
Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway
while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8
crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one..'
The German air controllers
at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them.. So it was with some amusement that we
(a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now.'!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land.'
While taxiing at London 's
Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'
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